(no subject)

Jul. 24th, 2017 09:01 am
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
I slept last night, but it wasn't great. A big part of that was cramps. Scott's still in bed. I don't know if I woke him when my alarm went off. I got it off in about two seconds, but who knows? That would wake me, but he often doesn't wake for my weekend medication alarms which have a similar duration. Scott came to bed about 4:30. I woke up about then because I really needed the bathroom and was just getting up when he went in there. Which, well, isn't that how it always works?

I managed to use the c-pap all night, though.

I'm a little cranky that, although he stayed up past when it was done drying, he didn't bring up the laundry. I really don't want to face the stairs right now, but that is my only source of clean clothing unless I'm willing to wake Scott.

My month to date word count is 21752. That's the highest for any month so far this year, even if I write nothing else whatsoever. Yesterday, I added about 1300 words to my Captive Audience fic and then realized I may need to make a major alteration in the setting. I'm hoping not, though. Today's writing will mostly be tweaks to the second of my Pod Together stories to try to make the rhythm of certain passages work better for the person doing the podfic.

We were surprised when we went downtown to the library yesterday afternoon-- Apparently Art Fair now includes Sunday. For as long as I can remember, Sunday was tear down and clean up, but one of the employees at the library told me that Sunday's been part of actual Art Fair for a couple of years now.

We stopped by the science and nature center to do some Ingress, and we took back the portals that someone from the other side had captured. We had planned to go into the woods to reinforce the two portals there, but we decided against it because of the risk of ticks. The other portals are all accessible from places that should be much lower risk for ticks (close cropped grass or asphalt). We'll hope no one knocks out those two portals for a while. It can be done from the street because high level bursters have a pretty extensive reach. The portals just can't be captured from there because one has to be much closer in order to place resonators and mods.

I told Scott that we should hope for the other side coming by frequently. He's close to leveling up, and recapturing a portal is worth a fair number of points.

(no subject)

Jul. 23rd, 2017 10:45 pm
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
Counting as yet unrevealed fics, I now have a bit more than 660k words of fic on AO3. I boggle at the number. How on Earth is that possible?

I haven't heard from either of the people I'm working with for Pod Together. I'd mainly like to know if what I wrote works for them and if there are things I could do to make it work better.

I really ought to be asleep, but I can't seem to relax. The fact that Scott has to stay up to try to shift his sleep schedule isn't helping.
elf: Anime-ish version of elf: long cyan hair, glasses (Anime me)
[personal profile] elf
Nice ending to the month. Also, nice topic for today - tomorrow I start the new job, so a moment to reflect on self-identity is not a bad idea.

Bitch | Out of Control | Everybody's Moon | One More Time to Live | I'm Going to Go Back There Someday | Cloudy | No Rain | Live to Tell | Kiss Off | It Just Won't Quit

I bought this one when it was on the charts; still have the album on vinyl. )

Meme list

New Bill icon: get!

Jul. 23rd, 2017 11:17 pm
dhampyresa: (Bill!!!)
[personal profile] dhampyresa
Bleh )


Speaking of the pool! The most hilarious thing happened: I was swimming along and then, suddenly, a bunch of fighter jets flies outside the window with blue-white-red fumes behind them. Took me a while to realise wtf was going on: the Patrouille de France was doing a Tour de France related thing.

Swimming details )


I need to sign up for [community profile] remixrevival and so do you!


I DREW A THING!


Under a cut, because images )

Fic Announcements

Jul. 23rd, 2017 02:50 pm
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
Authors have been revealed for the Nonconathon, so I can claim the five stories I wrote. I'm putting the list and information about the stories behind a cut because of the subject matter. If you click through, please mind the tags. I wrote one Weiss Kreuz, one Star Trek Original Series (Mirror Universe), and three original fics. I think the Weiss Kreuz story is the only one for which I didn't fall down the world building rabbit hole.

All of these are explicit.

The fic descriptions and links )

(no subject)

Jul. 23rd, 2017 12:21 pm
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
I'm 1700 words into my Captive Audience story. It's not due until 2 September, but I can already tell that it's likely to be long, so I guess having that time is good. I think this one will flow better during the writing than the second Pod Together story did. I might still hit a snag, but I'm hoping not.

My period finally started today after almost a month of off and on spotting. On the plus side, this makes having one on the 7th of August when I go in for the uterine ultrasound a lot less likely.

Scott's going to be working third shift this week and, probably, next. He originally thought that next week was his vacation, but I pointed out that that's actually another week further on. The only reason they didn't tell him to work third shift next week was that he told them he'd be on vacation. He emailed his boss to tell him of the error as soon as I told him (Scott didn't have access to his calendar right then). Third shift is down to four out of seven employees, and two of those left are supervisors who aren't supposed to run machines apart from covering for lunches and breaks. At other times, they move from machine to machine, making sure that everything's going okay and helping with whatever problem they judge most urgent.

Neither our nephew nor our niece were at the family gathering yesterday, so it was Cordelia and six adults. She retreated to the basement after dinner to read her book in isolation. I think she felt that four hours of being polite to adults was plenty.

I ended up sitting in the living room with Scott's father while Cordelia was in the basement and everyone else was out on the sun porch playing Ticket to Ride Europe. I didn't think it would be a good thing for us to sit in silence, so I initiated conversation, and we talked until the folks playing the game came back in. At that point, it was 9:00, and we were all ready to go home.
elf: Rainbow sparkly fairy (Default)
[personal profile] elf
Didn't I already do this one? Like, twice? Wait; this list has both "preteen years" and "childhood" songs - am I supposed to consider those as two separate, distinct categories? Does "preteen" mean 10-13 and "childhood" mean before that? If that's the case, then I messed up the "preteen" thing, because from where I am now, that's an awfully narrow slice to try to sort out. I mean, there are plenty of online lists that could help me put songs into the before-and-after 10th birthday groupings, or whatever it intended, but I'm really not going there.

But okay; I do actually have a playlist of "early childhood" songs, so I can grab a few from there. Even though several of them are TV show theme songs.

...omg, there's a whole generation who doesn't understand how nerve-wracking it was to watch them never get off that damn island.

Tom Dooley | I Wish I Was a Teddy Bear | Ballad of Gilligan's Island | Seasons in the Sun | Welcome Back | Queen of the Silver Dollar | The Aba Daba Honeymoon | Keep Your Eye on the Sparrow

Manah Manah was not my favorite back then. )

Meme list

The Summer I Went Crazy

Jul. 23rd, 2017 05:47 am
ofmonstrouswords: (thg: haymitch coffee)
[personal profile] ofmonstrouswords
Serious content warning for this post. I talk about childhood abuse, trauma, suicide, and sexual assault.

There’s a video making the rounds on social media. I haven’t watched it. I don’t want to watch it. But I’ve seen the comments and I know, basically, what it’s about: a child having a tantrum on a train.

Comments have ranged from “this kid is probably autistic” to “this kid needs to be disciplined” and it strikes me this is just yet another way for people without kids to judge parents for not doing a good enough job; or people with kids to feel superior because THEIR child never had a meltdown on the subway.

It also strikes me how very lucky I am to have been born in 1986 and become a teenager in the 90s. Because I grew up without ubiquitous cellphone video cameras and the ability to post video of strangers online. I grew up without the danger that my one bad day would have meant worldwide shaming of my mother, and custody being ripped away from her.

Before we moved to Hawai’i my summers were split between my parents. (After moving there, I spent them with my bio-sire, for what was called “access” because he required access to his child and I was supposed to have access to my tormentors.)

After the first half of the summer being spent with my bio-sire and his new girlfriend, a woman we dubbed Wife #5 (he’s on #7 now), and her band of ill-mannered, horrific monsters of children, I got to spend time with my mom. This particular summer we went to Hawai’i to visit with people, including my new friend who became my best friend and still is (she was my maid of honor at my wedding).

I’m not really sure why she stuck with me for so many years, because that was the second year we knew each other and it was the summer I went insane.

I was a monster. I screamed and cried and kicked. I lashed out at everyone, including my best friend. I threw tantrums on a regular basis. I said cruel, hurtful things. I tried to kill myself. I wielded sharp weapons and was a danger to myself and others.

No one knew what was going on. My mother was at a complete loss, trying to manage a child who had never acted out on this scale before. She was inches from putting me into an institution, and had the threat of my bio-sire taking custody not loomed, she may have done so.

And I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell anyone, because I didn’t have words for it and I blamed myself.

What was happening was a culmination of years of abuse and trauma. I had been suffering abuse from my bio-sire since I was 2 years old, and now he had a new family who liked to join in on the fun. I was accused of stealing money from my stepmom, had my belongings stolen from me by my stepsister and then blamed when I tried to get them back from her, called names, threatened, punished when I complained of headaches or coughing because my stepmom liked to smoke cigarettes below my room.

I remember being told by my stepmom that everything was my mom’s fault — yes, even the fact that she and my dad weren’t fucking anymore, which is completely appropriate to say to a kid, right? — and that she was my new mom now and I had to get used to it.

I remember being loathed so completely by my stepmom and step-siblings that I would have done anything to be accepted and loved. Anything.

So I was very easy to coerce.

My stepbrother may have only been 6 months older than me, but he was fully cognizant of what was going on. He’d convinced me the only way I could be accepted by the family was if I did what he asked. I didn’t want to, but I wanted to be accepted.

Of course, I never was. And I blamed myself for what happened for another 10 years. It wasn’t until I confessed, crying, to my first boyfriend about what a dirty, shameful slut I was for having had sex at age 10, telling him the whole story, that he held me and said: Babe. You were raped. That was rape.

It was rape, and it was the cherry on top of the shit sundae of trauma and abuse ladled out to me by my bio-sire and his new wife and her children.

And I couldn’t tell anyone. All I could do was go insane.

If this had been now, if I’d been acting out that way in the modern era, some asshole would film it and put it online so people could shame my mom. She’d lose custody of me and I’d have to live with my bio-sire, where my stepbrother would be free to rape me as many times as he wanted. And in the end, I’d take my own life.

There are so many times I wish I’d told my mom when it happened. If I had, that would have been it: she would have been able to get sole, full custody of me and prevent my bio-sire from ever seeing me again. I would have had a better adolescence. I would have started healing sooner. I wouldn’t have had to spend the night with then ex-Wife #5 in my teens because of a missed ferry connection, and weathered the look her older son gave me as I stood in their kitchen, the look that made me feel dirty, and ashamed, and like I wanted to jump into the Salish Sea and drown.

I have searched for years for ways to cleanse myself of the shame, and the anger and the hatred. Ways for me to process the trauma — not just that rape, but all the other compounded trauma that came after it, including another rape. I have done so much, but it is still not enough, and sometimes I feel like that ten-year-old: ready to scream and break down in public, ready to fling myself off a building, ready to kill anyone who gets close to me.

I’ve thought for a while that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve been close to committing myself a few times in the past year, which might be the right move seeing as I requested a psych consult over a year ago and BC’s medical establishment moves as fast as a glacier when it comes to mental health. I want a diagnosis. Because what I think I have doesn’t help me get help. It won’t help me get better meds than what I have.

Recently, I heard that Borderline Personality Disorder can look the same as C-PTSD. C-PTSD, or Complex-PTSD, is what happens when someone suffers trauma over and over for a long period of time.

I already know I have PTSD; now I’m pretty sure I have C-PTSD. Because I suffered trauma for years on end from my bio-sire and my stepfamilies, then later from partners, people who were supposed to love me but only hurt me.

One of them, I still can’t speak his name without freaking out.

Another, this year I celebrated it having been 7 years since he touched me. I have grown into a body he never knew.

And I had C-PTSD when I was 10, because that was after 8 years of hell.

Last night, instead of sleeping, my brain decided to replay the abuse over and over again. Over and over again, I remembered the rape. It’s been over two decades, and I still cannot shake this trauma.

Maybe that kid in the video just needs discipline. Or maybe they’re fighting a battle we know nothing about. Maybe the last thing that parent needs is strangers judging them. Maybe what they need is compassion, and understanding, and patience.

Maybe we don’t know the first fucking thing about other people’s lives. Maybe we should consider that before we whip out the cell phone and start filming.

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(no subject)

Jul. 22nd, 2017 10:02 pm
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
I want very much to respond to comments on some fics that are still anonymous. I could respond anonymously, but reveals are tomorrow, and I'd rather respond as myself. I've gotten recipient comments on four of the five stories, and the fifth person hasn't responded to any of the three stories they got but appears to have been prompt about responding to past gifts, so I'm assuming some sort of offline life thing has happened.

We're on our way home from Scott's parents' place now. If we weren't, I'd start the next story with a due date.

(no subject)

Jul. 22nd, 2017 01:25 pm
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
I managed to finish the [community profile] pod_together fic last night about 11:00. I haven't posted it yet because it lacks a title. I'm also still hoping to hear back from my partner in the undertaking, but we're not in compatible time zones, so it's difficult.

I also need a tag that I can use for when a character talks to an externalized manifestation of their own psyche in order to hash out a problem. There must be one, right? Any suggestions?

I woke with a migraine this morning. I think it's a multi-factor thing. I slept less last night than I wanted to because Scott took forever (two hours!) getting ready for bed after I was ready to sleep. Then, when he came to bed, he kept doing stuff with his laptop until I asked him why he was still up and still keeping me up. I had some coughing, so I didn't dare use the c-PAP. I was stressed about the story and about the family gathering this afternoon (BIL's birthday), and a number of other things. There's also some indication that my body may be preparing for a period (though I'm skeptical because been spotting off and on since late June. If I didn't already have a gynecology appointment on the 9th, I'd probably have called already to see about setting one up).

The lack of sleep and stress are making me ache. I'm wearing thumb splints today because I can't do what I need to otherwise. I have to wrap the present for our BIL some time in the next half hour (Scott's trying to repair the dryer). We only have Christmas wrapping paper.

What I really want to do is to lie down and nap. There just isn't time.
sathari: (Tori- worth losing)
[personal profile] sathari
Okay... is anyone else seeing what I'm seeing/connecting the dots that I am here?

Item: Earlier this week, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, our nation's top law enforcement official, announced a plan to increase the scope of civil asset forfeiture by law enforcement, rolling back the restrictions on this practice put into place during the Obama administration.

Item: This Thursday, the New York Times published an interview with the current occupant of the Oval Office in which he expressed regret for appointing the aforementioned JeffBo, despite his having been one of said occupant's early adopters. He gave as the reason JeffBo's recusal from the investigation into the administration's ties with Russia.

Now, why am I seeing these two items as related?

The dots, let me connect them. )



(Title of post is from the Mountain Goats' "Up the Wolves.")
 


elf: Petalwing, singing (Petalwing Singing)
[personal profile] elf
Oh good. Back to song topics that don't make me want to rip my hair out.

Had to stop and think about this one, because "love the voice" is not high on my priority lists for songs I enjoy most. But for a long time, I listed my favorite type of music as "anything with a baritone voice and acoustic guitar."

What You Need | Dance Magic | I'm on Fire | Love Is Chemical | Holly Holy | Wherefore and Why | Stay Young | The Warrior | Rainy Days & Mondays | Delta Dawn | It's So Easy

And one where the vocals are so pretty, I almost forget that I love the lyrics, too )

Meme list

*sigh*

Jul. 21st, 2017 11:02 pm
dhampyresa: (This is my life)
[personal profile] dhampyresa
I haven't quite reached peak asshole yet, but I feel like if this were a Disney movie, you'd be able to hear the opening strings of my villain song right about now. (Cause: heat, sleep deprivation and people telling me what the fuck to do. NO. FUCK YOU.)


Somewhere around the mid-afternoon, I started being interested in Critical Role again and got through an hour of podcast in the rest of the afternoon! This is much slower than I was going before the brainwipe hit, but it's also much faster than me taking over a week to get through the previous episode (that was ep 62, fyi). So I guess there's that.


In happier news, we are apparently fucking finally a Kaamelott movie! :D Time for a rewatch, me thinks.

(no subject)

Jul. 21st, 2017 12:31 pm
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
Scott's response on giving away the crock pot was "Hallelujah!!" We just have to figure out an easy way to transport it. Our cleaning lady is thinking that she'll bring a sturdy bag and take one piece a week. I think the base the lid are light enough to go together, but the stoneware inserts are really, really heavy.

I ended up not writing yesterday. The afternoon and early evening got devoured by insurance related stuff. There's a receipt I can't find that I'm about 60% sure I submitted for a claim, but I can't find any indication on the Aetna statements that they ever got it. I also haven't managed to find it in any of the places I keep those receipts.

Then, while we were eating dinner, our power went out for about an hour and a half. Scott and I decided to go out in search of some sort of dessert, but the first place we tried had too long a wait for seating. The second had already closed for the evening. We went to Plum Market for the half price baked goods and then ended up at Wendy's for frosties. After we had paid, they handed them to us with straws, telling us that they were out of spoons and that, if we really wanted, they could give us forks instead of straws.

Cordelia's pediatrician told me that I will have to talk to the sports medicine people about guidelines for what she can safely do in gym class. I really hope they don't need to see her in order to do that because there's pretty much zero chance that they could see her for that before October, not the way non-emergency appointments go at the U.

(no subject)

Jul. 21st, 2017 12:30 pm
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
I'm looking for suggestions for story idea generators that might appeal to Cordelia. She says she wants to write but has no ideas. Anything I suggest is, naturally, too parentally tainted to be interesting, so I thought maybe some of those generators that slap ridiculous ideas together might help.

I don't play with them much, so I have no idea what's out there or how to find them.
elf: John Egbert with a rocketpack, captioned "THIS IS STUPID" in all caps. (This is stupid)
[personal profile] elf
I'm behind again. This time it's not because I forgot or got too busy. Who MAKES these damn lists, anyway? Don't answer that. I know who. Teenagers, or maybe college students. People who think, "reliving heartbreak is a poignant moment, an interlude of quiet sadness in the midst of your hectic day," and not "reliving heartbreak is like walking naked into fire, so of course I'd want to share that with all my friends and casual acquaintances who knows how many strangers on the internet."

So I've spent a couple days trying to nudge the question from the side, trying to consider songs that I think of as heartbreaky without sending myself into a downward spiral that could take weeks to recover from.

Today doesn't get a list, and it doesn't get a video. [personal profile] mdlbear posted that Jordin Kare has died.

I remember one filksong from my first year at BayCon - Leslie Fish's "Banned from Argo," sung in the back corner of a party room by four people sharing a copy of Westerfilk. The next year, I went looking. I remember one song from my second year - Jordin Kare singing "The Bride of Saint-Germain."

I wrote about this before. Bride of Saint-Germain has, as far as I know, never been recorded. It's certainly never been publicly released. And now, no matter how well the OTW does in its struggles to get fanworks accepted as fair use, no matter what kind of precedents vidders win from congress... he's never going to record even one of the fannish concert versions that sometimes make their way to Youtube.

I loved Jordin's music; I have both Fire in the Sky and Parody Violation and I can sing along with all of them, even if I don't quite know all the words. The song that breaks my heart is the one I'll never hear again.

Meme list

Day 50: Silver fish

Jul. 20th, 2017 11:04 pm

(no subject)

Jul. 20th, 2017 03:39 pm
the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
I'm feeling so very, very overheated right now. I know that part of the problem is that the only way I can get caffeine right this moment is by making and drinking hot tea (cold brewed will take about twenty hours, so it's not an immediate option). Well, I could spend a couple of hours going to the store to buy something. Decidedly not worth it to.

I'm at home alone right this moment. Cordelia had a volunteer shift at the downtown library this morning and plans to meet up with friends at the Traverwood library in the afternoon. She'll go home with them, and we'll pick her up at 9:30, after movie night with her friends. Their current plan is to watch Grease.

A couple of nights ago, I cooked the remaining ground turkey in the instant pot with some great northern beans and turkey bacon. I added chicken broth and some herbs/spices. I think I misjudged that because it almost gives me reflux. It doesn't actually; I can just tell that I'm near the tipping point.

I've managed the two most urgent phone calls, but neither matter is resolved yet. The second call is almost certainly going to end up with me having to call a different doctor's office about parameters/limitations for Cordelia's knee in high school gym. I was hoping not to have to because that's the doctor that wanted us to do surgery. The first call went to voicemail, so nothing's resolved until I actually manage to talk to the person.

The other call I should make is to Shar Instruments to ask about buying a viola and whether or not we can do it on installments. Of course, buying a viola kind of requires us to be fairly sure Cordelia's done growing. She's only grown half an inch in the last year and a half, and she's in the height range where all the women in my family tend to fall (5'1 to 5'3"). It's just that everyone in Scott's family is tall, so Cordelia's still hoping she'll get taller.

I'm trying to decide whether filling out insurance forms is more important than starting to write right this moment. My procrastination levels are set to 11 at the moment. The forms are important, very much so, but would there be any harm in having Scott fill the dratted things out this evening?

I have given our old crock pot to our cleaning lady. She'll actually use it, and we haven't touched it in years. The stoneware inserts are really too heavy for me at this point. I don't think this is the sort of thing that's worth holding onto for the years until Cordelia moves out and might want it. Plus, I'm pretty sure she'd rather have an Instant Pot instead.

Doctor Who thoughts

Jul. 19th, 2017 11:51 pm
dhampyresa: (Default)
[personal profile] dhampyresa
1: The Doctor is a woman, FUCKING FINALLY. (I've always low-key resented 11 and 12 for not being girls every since the possibility was brought up in Eleventh Hour.)

2: I need a Bill icon. YESTERDAY.
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